It Hurts...so SO BAD

Sigh. Have no idea how to start. There's been a lot of things going on in my life. Problems.
Well, I'll just start from Sunday night then?? Cheryl called. Chatted awhile. She broke down. Tried to comfort her...no use. She said she's going into a lift. Hung up. She asked me to call her back. She's having a hard time,i guess I'll sacrifice my credit then, I called back. She picked up,we talked, I heard her out. Trying to be there for her. Quite happy she came to me. But she said she cant let YC, Cherm and Bong know about all this cause they already have their own problems to deal with?? Which made me assume that I made her think that i don't have my problems to deal with?? == I have no idea. Well,she was crying and briefed me thru what happened. She's depressed,confused,sad and feeling guilty. She blamed herself for almost anything. Even when she's right. Why?? Fight for your rights will you?? Why can't you just stand up and fend for yourself?? I know it's easy for me to say,it's just hard to actually carry it out. I know. We talked about you,your family...I guess I felt a connection. The situation just Clicked. I could feel you cause I've been thru the same. My emotions went out of hand. I broke down. Now it's you who came and comfort me...I hid in my closet cause i didn't want my dad to barge into my room and see me cry. I'm afraid he'll ask me why when I'm not even ready to open up to him...he has a lot to deal with at work already. After an hour plus of phone convo,my phone died. Haven't finished crying xx...Charging my phone,I called her back. I haven't finish talking to her but then i guess she's busy...so i hung up then chatted with Ray. About an hour i guess...started with communication problems,but then we sorted it out. Then started crying again,but trying to hold back my tears. Then changed the topic to forget about all those problems. After i hung up,went down to the kitchen to grab something to eat and then cleaned up my room awhile cause tissues everywhere xx...then texted till 3am...
Woke up early the next day cause I was going for a haircut with a friend @ prangin. Bathed,prepared and all that. Texted a few ppl. Waiting Him to wake up and text me also...dad's employee wasn't free the last minute, my dad had to fetch me to prangin which he isn't really happy about...
@ prangin...me and my friend went to have lunch. Then I said something then my friend laughed like mad...XD seeing her laugh made me laugh also...damn funny XD after lunch we go search for a salon...i'm okay with any shop she chooses,then chi-cha chi-cha i cut finish dy...my friend very slow la...so i waited awhile for her...then we both cut finish dy. My hair so soink XD my friend don't like her hair...pity her...
Then we wander around prangin.
Then received a text from Z>>> afternoon bii
Me>>> Afternoon :)
Z>>> Hee :) eat d not
Me>>>Yup.eat dy,thx for asking...u?
After 35minutes of waiting him reply...
Z>>> Haven eat.sorry just now bathing
Me>>>Ok
Z>>> Can i ask you something?
Me>>> Ya... *heart pounding* (knowing something was wrong)
Z>>>You don't like me right? I've been thinking a lot these days.i just can't feel the feeling you gave me last time. Now you never ever tell me anything.you tell ray.your friends.am I dead in your eyes? If you really can't accept me now.no need to waste your time and wait till new year.It's the same.
Another text...Z>>>Oh btw.your results thing.I don't mean to laugh at you.
After 37minutes of panicking and thoughts...
I replied>>> Fine.I'm rejecting u.
Another text>>> I'm sorry *whole brain went blank after texted that*
Z>>> Thanks for not wasting my time and yours.you got the freedom to do all you want now.no need to be sorry since i'm the one who hurts you everytime right? To tell you the truth. And to teach you something.trials relationship makes one guy tired :)
Another text...Z>>> Oh Yea btw. That kevin something something.go let him be your bf.you'll be much more happier.cheryl's ex right? He likes you and keeps bothering you what :).sorry to be sarcastic :).oh wait.Why am I so nice now.go get a life of yours.Cheryl told you not to talk to him.you don't care.you know there's something about you which really makes me sick.you never listen to what others say but you want others to listen what you say.
After reading that text. I tried so damn hard to not break down cause i was in the car with my dad.You know when someone tells you that they are sick and tired of you.What would you feel?? Cheryl, I know how you feel right now.Those words...had a huge impact on me. It hit me hard. How could you even say such things?? If u just don't know how to comfort someone,don't say anything that hurts them even more. Go get a life?? I already have one. And i never listen?? Cheryl only told me not to end up with him,not stop talking to him! I have my own brain. I know how to take care of myself. Don't tell me what i should do. I make my own choices and friends can only give opinions. It's my life,not yours. What are you trying to do huh? Why are you even acting like this?
After 40minutes of silence and pain in my chest...i received a text...
Z>>>You there? I wanna call you or text you.
Me>>>Hmm...i'm here
Z>>>I just wanna ask.Why you never wanna talk to me
Me>>>I find it hard to open up to u...i remembered the first time on the phone I was trying to open up...after I said like quarter of my story.i asked u were u listening to me? U answered yes.i asked u what did i said just now? U replied u dunno...after that...i just keep it in.i tell cheryl or chermaine...
Z>>> That was the time you said about your school life :) I remember everything although i'm not concentrating
Me>>>The moment u said dunno...after that i just kept quiet...u asked me say something la why diam diam eh...i have no idea what to say anymore...
Z>>>Just keep on saying.Yes i might be ignorant.but i never said i don't remember
Me>>>How i know?? U know when u said u dunno i got how hurt bo...i dont open up to someone for no reason okay...i don't know dy la...
Z>>>That time we know each other for like 2 months only what
Me>>>Meaning...??
Z>>>You don't understand me and I don't understand you.
Me>>>True...
Z>>>Now we know each other but I still don't get the things you're doing.
Me>>>Hmm...like...??
Z>>>You like being flirt and you don't care what i tell you.you just never listen
Me>>>What did u say that i dont listen? I dont go around giving my number okay? Ever since I know u I never even given a single guy my number.
Z>>>Like the jack thing. I told you not text him and delete his number or you give me his number I go whack him up.
Me>>>He asked me a bit stuff.lend him stuff? I just replied him no im bz ar what? Im trying to keep a distance already.he texted me a few days ago.i never replied.
Z>>>I mean like don't text him no matter what
Me>>>Then I'm really sorry for even replying him...sorry.
Z>>>No need to be sorry.i have no rights already
Me>>>Sorry for texting him when u have the rights to say no then...
Z>>>Lol when is the rights when we aren't even couples
Me>>>Maybe when the time we actually communicated...well...it doesnt matter anymore...we still friends?
Z>>>I thought this question should be me asking Lol
Me>>>Hah...u asked me last time...this time is my turn...
Z>>>Lol Lol xD haha :)
Me>>>So...we still friends?
Z>>>Yea Yea :) couple up next time in the future.but can u do me a favour ? Don't find another boy except me cause I still love you :(
Me>>>U promise the same to not find other girls?
Z>>>Sure :)
Me>>>What do u mean by not finding other guys...and how long u suppose me to wait?
Z>>>Err not for long alright :)
Me>>>What would u do if I waited for u? And what if i didnt?
Z>>>I'll chase you back for sure :).If you didn't then I'll pray for your happiness then
Me>>>Kay...
Z>>>Hee :)
Then after that,all random talk about my haircut...
Didn't u say something about me having the freedom to do all i want just now?? And even said to let kevin be my bf?? And then in the end you want me to do you a favour and promise you to not find another guy because you still love me? What are you trying to do?? I mean,Is this a joke?? After all you said?? And being so sarcastic? Didn't you say that there was something about me that makes you sick?? You're sick of me and then you say that you still love me and want to chase me back? Just.Sigh.You want me to change my point of view of you.I'm trying.But can't you do the same and try to change your point of view of me as well? I'm not as childish as you think I am. You just never get to know me for Me.And my best friend since kindy,i just opened up to her a few days ago. It's been so long we've been friends,but just recently, she made me comfortable enough to open up to her. I guess I'll stop here.


I want proof. Not promises.

Lifes tough.
Peace out.

xoxo,
yeeting.